still here...still lost

Things haven't gotten any better...perhaps...no,,most definitely have gotten worse. I feel so stupid...maybe  I am stupid. Powerless and confused. The people i thought i could rely to help me have all been a dismal fail. My options seem to decrease day by day.  I don't know who to trust or where to turn....just keep smiling on the outside and suffering on the inside. the holidays this year seem to be the worse.  I have no money although i seem to always be working. Totally useless and disinterested in all that is good. I know that the depression is what is pulling me down further but the words and actions of  him just amplify the pain and sadness i feel inside. I dont know how much longer I can hold hold.

Being Honest with myself

Never in my wildest dreams would I ever thought I'd admit to being an abused wife.  Of course from the outside, it doesn't look that way. In fact unless one knew what to look for , no one would ever suspect any form of domestic violence was happening.

I'm actually ashamed that I allowed myself to be in this position.  If it was physical abuse, someone, somehow may or may not have noticed by now. But the  emotional, verbal and financial abuse I deal with everyday is so very easy to hide.

Still humiliation is humiliation and I know better than to allow it to go on for so long. Why then? Because it has gone on for so long and maybe I have allowed myself to believe the cruel words and treatment.

Still somewhere deep inside of me, I know what he says isn't the truth and that I deserve better yet......it is still so very hard to muster the stength to put it all behind me and move forward....